Baseball Is Fat
With the recent news of the beloved Pablo Sandoval being DFA’d by the Redsox I wrote this tribute to the larger boys of baseball. Contrary to the opinion of many folks, I think baseball is the greatest sport in the world. The one most well known to hold this position is soccer. Ever since TFC lost a championship game to a team without a single shot on goal, I decided I would rather spend 90 minutes watching turtles fuck because at least there would be a happy ending.
Baseball is a game of skill; it takes more than some athleticism and a good build to succeed in this game of wits. It represents equality for all, in this socially progressive day and age you should be happy that ball players aren’t judged on appearance alone. Baseball welcomes the talents of all walks of life, including fat guys. Is there anything better than watching a fat guy do something you could never even fathom?
Just look at pitching legend Bartolo Colon. Not only is he a stud pitcher entering his 20th season at the age of 43 and sporting a classy weight of 285 lbs. ‘Big Sexy’ is still twirling the ball and striking out guys at an above average pace and an above average weight. He’s been a fan favorite for years and has changed his game to stay relevant, for one he learned to locate his pitches and possibly did some steroids.
His first home run came last year and will go down in history as the oldest player to ever hit his first bomb at 42. The older and fatter he got the more relevant and respected he becomes. When asked about it Colon said through an interpreter. “It means a lot; It’s something that I still can’t believe until now.” Coming from a 4-time All-Star and 2005 Cy Young winner he was almost speechless about hitting his first major league donger at 42 years old.
What other sport can roster so much personality and diversity? Where else are you going to get such a personal connection to these larger than life (literally) characters? Also, where are you going to see a guy on steroids that is still fat? That in itself is an impressive feat of will and perseverance to being yourself.
Or how about the ‘Big Panda,’ Pablo Sandoval? The Panda touts a World Series MVP and joins legendary players Babe Ruth (also kinda fat), Reggie Jackson, and Albert Pujols as one of the only players in MLB history to hit three home runs and eat 17 hot dogs in a World Series game. This is another example of an overweight man achieving legendary feats in one of the hardest sports on planet earth.
After leaving a San Francisco Giants team where he accomplished so much and embodied the very name of the organization. Sandoval left them high and dry over an issue on signing a new contract that would require him to watch his weight. Not wanting to comply and exercising his very right to be whatever the fuck he wants (by not exercising) he signed elsewhere. The free-spending Boston Red Sox rewarded him with $90 million dollars and unlimited room service to play at Fenway. That very next season was a disaster for Pablo, the most memorable moment being, he swung so hard at a pitch and missed that his belt exploded off his fucking pants. God bless the baseball gods for they never cease to provide the highest standards of entertainment.
Now a lot of people get upset, how can a guy making 90 million dollars and still insist on being fat? But it’s not like they didn’t know what they were buying. For the most part, sports have a way of shielding their athletes from a glimpse into their actual personalities. But baseball in its truest nature gives you a wide open view of each player. You are bound to learn something about a man you can watch play 182 games, that’s 546 hours per year, that equals 22 total days. You can learn a lot about someone in 22 days, and I’m pretty sure you can learn about how fat a man is at first glance.
Lastly, let’s talk about the man named Prince Fielder. One of the best hitters to ever play the game and also a 280 pounder of pure baseball demolishing power. He is the youngest player to ever hit 50 home runs. Talk about physics, harnessing that weight and transferring it straight into baseball mashing power is an amazing feat. Let’s also talk about him demolishing stereotypes of overweight people being lazy. Prince boasts one of the best Iron Man records for consecutive starts at 547. That’s right you skinny bitches, this man went out and played 547 consecutive games of baseball. That is no easy feat. Although his journey into vegetarianism lasted about three months. He showed a rare ability to stay healthy and on the field when it counted at least.
Baseball is fat, and I love it. It’s a sport that from a distance is overrun by complicated rules, complicated stats, and games that have gone for eight consecutive hours. But once you take the time to see past the fray, you get one of the most unique experiences. Filled with lovable characters and stories you can appreciate for years to come.
In a sense, it equates to everyday life, my love for baseball blossoms in the way it is different from anything else. Learn to appreciate the fatness in baseball and how it mirrors the very essence of life. Never judge a book by its cover, but if its cover is fat try your best not to spend 90 million dollars on it. Sincerely, a true baseball fan.