Last August I quit drinking. I quit for a variety of reasons, but the main reason was I had had enough.
I had enough of my fucked up mood swings and weight gain. I had enough of waking up some morning’s feeling like a bag of shit. I had enough of wasting my time and taking time away from life because it couldn’t be dealt with on life’s terms.
I wasn’t making the most of my days and nights and used it as a way to escape the bullshit and stress of things I couldn’t control.
There were lots of days I didn’t drink, and lot’s I did, but I could draw a straight line from every mental, physical and emotional issue I had directly back to booze. Add extreme anxiety to the mix, and I knew my ‘on again off again’ affair with alcohol was over.
So I quit.
- The first three months were really tough. I had a coping pattern and mechanism and didn’t have to get up early anymore, so every day started to morph into long weekends and vacation 4 out of 7 days. I felt like I was missing out if I didn’t squeeze a great rip with my friends on a Friday or Saturday and stay well lubed aftre the kids went to bed. That was my time, and I deserved it. I’d drink 15 soda glasses of water, take some Melatonin and hit the fart sack early. like 7-8 pm early because I didn’t trust myself.
- The next month or so I felt like I started to wake up. I could see things, smell things and hear things more clearly. To be honest, It scared the shit out of me because I wasn’t used to thinking like this. Almost like everything got loud all of a sudden. I remember being at a grocery store looking at the signs above every aisle seeing the work that went into dividing the items in each aisle wondering why they didn’t put them higher and make them three sided so you could see them from everywhere. Then I laughed. I finally felt and thought like myself again.
- I stopped taking everything personally, and the paranoia was gone. People have an “alcohol solution” for a reason. There’s a victim mentality that seems to always come with it, and the solution is altering your state out of extreme selfishness. This constant need to escape based on future worry was gone because life wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. It never is.
- I haven’t had a mind-melting soul, crushing, body shaking, dry heaving hangover. That freedom alone is addictive. It’s what everyone who ever drinks too much begs for liberation from. Surprise, when you don’t drink, you don’t wake up in the morning looking for a gun to blow your brains out.
- 65 pounds later I fit into clothes no one wears anymore and can tie my shoes with feeling like my heads gonna pop off. I don’t mind being in pictures and feel like doing stuff again. With my kids, My friends and my family.
- My girlfriend, kids, and people around me like me more. When you are in a semi-state of half or full buzz your ability to give a shit about the people you love disappears but you don’t see it. I would generally tell everyone to chill out, and life was terrible so I was entitled to it.
- My Liver proudly operates at 100%. When I decided I was done, I went to the doctor, and they said I had the liver of a 70-year-old man. Luckily that little fucker regenerates to full operational capacity when you give it a 3-6 month break.
- My skin looks way better and I care about what I look like.
- I can see all of my gear. Just kidding. I could always see it. Now I ‘ADMIRE’ it
- I care about shit again. Life is the most important one.
- I’m proud of myself and have never felt more motivated to make lives around me better and not be an asshole.
- For the first time in years want to get back on the radio and make a difference instead of making people hate me. I’m more competitive than ever and want to win. Maybe more now than before. I didn’t get up at 4 am to lose and having my shit together makes me itch to get back at it. Not like before though. That guy is dead. I still love shining lights in dark corners but not for the sake of notoriety. At least not like I used to do. With my brain now operating at its original 10 percent capacity, I’d like to use my powers for mostly good. I’m sure I’ll pick fights. Only ones I can win. Smart.
Nine months into it, it seems so stupid. I wasn’t a street person, and I didn’t fit the kind of profile I thought people with drinking problems fit into. I just know that I can’t give, be, or do my best if booze is an option. I want to experience the parts of life that suck ass too because that’s how you know when things are really good. That’s happiness.
It’s called extreme accountability kids. It’s not dramatic. It’s just how most of the world works and like my friend Craig Gass says “when you realize that by living it, you will feel like you won the lottery.” Happy to report Gasser is right.
I’ve never felt better about my life and I’ve never had less to be happy about. I think you decide to be the victim or the author and living a life of rigorous honesty doesn’t have a victim. Lying to yourself always does.
That’s Greg Carrasco. He’s built like a greyhound and wants me to start doing martial arts now which is a hard no. I’m waiting for A.I. chips we can put in our brains like in The Matrix. Can’t be far off.
For the record, I don’t think it’s a special accomplishment I deserve any credit for and It’s not why I posted this. If it helps one person like one person helped me, then It’s worth every embarrassing word.