Alright, we get it, if Donald Trump wins again you’re going to move to Canada. Our country is a disaster, covid is out of control, kids are in cages. We know. We’re the worst. But let’s pretend he does win for a frightening second. And we have to call your bluff. You’re moving. But, have you ever thought through the actual logistics of this operation?
Moving to Canada isn’t something you can just do. I know the Canadians seem super friendly and all, but they actually have an entire immigration process you need to go through – those Canadians, they’re just like us! Or if you’re reading this in Canada, you’re just like you! Or if I was Canadian, I’m just like them!
Regardless – there are steps. You need to follow them. Let’s get started.
- Determine your eligibility. Just your standard stuff – have you committed a human rights violation? Related to anyone who has committed a human rights violation? Committed a felony or related to any felonious types? If you answered yes to any of those questions – you cannot move to Canada and can stop reading this article.
- How can you achieve Canadian citizenship? Lots to work with here. Get hired by a Canadian company. Marry a Canadian. Start a company in Canada, etc.
But if you’re running to Canada because of Donald Trump, there’s really only one status for you – that’s refugee status. To be certified as a refugee, you must be fleeing your home country for safety reasons – and I can’t think of anything less safe than that small-fingered man with the nuclear codes. We’re even going to give you a name – Drumpfugee (credit John Oliver – #makedonalddrumpfagain).
- Applications and fees and official stuff you have to fill out. Just go here for all the forms and details. But remember, it could take up to six months to process, and if Trump wins, you want to be at the front of that line.
- Pick a place to live! The west coast has Vancouver. Holy shit does it rain a lot in Vancouver, bring a poncho. East side has Montreal and Toronto. Like French stuff? Montreal is for you! Did you like the movie Chicago? That was filmed in Toronto! Wait, they didn’t even film Chicago in Chicago – WTF? There’s some stuff in-between, Calgary, Winnipeg, but I’m not going to bore you. Sorry for all the Canadians I just offended.
Regardless of where you move, it’s going to be cold. If you’re from Seattle, Montana, or the Northeast, you’ll kinda get it. Anywhere else, bring the warmest thing you’ve got.
- Familiarize yourself with Canadian food and culture. Homo milk is not a gay slur. Loonies and toonies are coins you buy things with. Hanging a roger is turning right. Poutine is French fries with cheese curds and gravy, mmm. Did you know Seth Rogan is Canadian? So is Ellen Page, Taylor Kitsch, Drake, Pam Anderson, Gosling, and Bieber!
- Prepare for the culture shock. Gun deaths will be non-existent. People will open doors for you. Health care will be free-ish. School systems will work properly! Don’t panic! This isn’t a dystopian future where teenage heroes fight to the death over the distribution of wealth (also good in Canada).
That’s just about it. So, don’t be a sookie (self-pitying baby or a Donald Trump), grab some Nanaimo bars, brush up on the NHL, and get your ass up north!
Or you can just vote so you don’t have to freeze your balls off in Ottawa.