AFTER OVER A DECADE OF BARTENDING, THESE THOUGHTS STILL COME TO MIND EVERY TIME A PATRON ASKS FOR ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
VODKA SODA: “YOU’RE OUT DRINKING AND ARE CONCERNED ABOUT CALORIES.”
GIN AND TONIC: “YOU WANT TO GET FUCKED UP.”
RUM AND COKE: “ARE WE AT A SANDALS RIGHT NOW?”
RYE AND GINGER/COKE: “YOU KNOW HOW TO DRINK.”
TEQUILA AND (ANY MIX): “I BET YOU’VE TRIED A BUTT PLUG BEFORE.”
MARTINI: “I LIKE THIS PERSON.”
WHAT CRAFT BEERS DO YOU HAVE?: “YOU’RE A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG.”
WHAT’S ON TAP?: “USE YOUR EYES.”
WHAT’S ON SPECIAL?: “WHAT A CHEAP FUCKING LOSER.”
I’ll GRAB A GUINNESS: “HERE’S AN ASSHOLE, AND HE FUCKING BETTER NOT WATCH ME POUR IT OR TALK ABOUT THE ART OF POURING.”
EXPORT: “WHITE TRASH.”
CANADIAN: “DO YOU WORK AT CHRYSLER OR GM?”
STOCK ALE: “LOOK AT THIS POSER”
WHATEVER’S COLD: “I LIKE THIS PERSON.”
JUST MAKE IT 2 OF THEM SO I DON’T HAVE TO WAIT AGAIN: “VETERAN!”
LOVE,
MAX GOLD
