I wonder what it is like being Tom Green.
When I was 14, Tom Green was part of a hip hop group out of Ottawa called Organized Rhyme. I was a fan. I was a white rapper in Canada, so I had to be a fan. But at the time Tom was a symbol of what a white rapper could do if they sped up the playback and delivered piercing rhymes like, “I lay more chicks than Mother Goose.”
Then Tom began doing things that made him a pioneer…of everything.
He was doing crazy shit on film, often in the arena of self-harm, long before the kids over at Jack-Ass even thought about kicking each other in the nuts.
He was taking the internet and finding a way to broadcast long-form interviews, well before a kid named Joe Rogan was on the scene.
The man has been at the forefront of various cultural pivots in my lifetime, and I have recently been engaged in an operation I like to call ‘Bug The Shit Out Of Tom Green To Appear On My Podcast Until He Says Yes.’
I’m not sure it is a very good plan.
But Tom, if you are reading this, I need to tell you something.
I’m pretty sure I’m a far better rapper than you. I’m just saying, I kept at it….for the last 30 years. So coming onto my podcast could, if you are fortunate, result in me giving you pointers on how to keep that memory muscle of how to string rhymes together alive.
Tom Green should already know that if it ain't memorized, it ain't ready.
Come on man. You used to lay more chicks than Mother Goose….what happened?!
— James DiFiore (@jamesdifiore) July 23, 2022
Everything else would be you schooling me, however.
A few people have asked me how I land guests for Blackballed.
The answer is simple….volume. I send x amount of requests daily. Lately because the podcast is more popular some guests request to come on.
— James DiFiore (@jamesdifiore) November 30, 2022
We met once. You were doing some random street interviews for The Comedy Network. I just left City Hall after paying my fee to run for mayor in 2010. I admit, I manipulated that girl with the headset to get me into that interview chair by handing her a James For Mayor flier. I thought if she believed I was one of those crazy ass fringe candidates that she would get me in front of the camera. Don’t laugh, it worked.
You might remember me if I remind you that I was the guy who spit water out of my cry hole as a way to find the cheapest laugh possible. When it didn’t work, you wrapped the interview pretty fast. Don’t worry, it was the right call.
But I walked away with a lesson learned – don’t try to be funnier than one of the funniest Canadians ever. I should have let you lead the interview, acted a bit shy and allowed you to use me as a laugh line. I should have asked for your phone number too. I should have called you relentlessly until you changed your number, or until I changed my name to Stan.
Out of the thousands of people who watch my podcast, I get like 71 people who watch because they think you might be on.
Because they are shocked you haven't said yes yet.
— James DiFiore (@jamesdifiore) December 21, 2022
But I’m here now, Tom. It’s been 12 years since that fateful day on Queen Street, about a block away from where you had once tied yourself to a telephone poll in order to get a MuchMusic VJ to notice you.
12 years ago I was interviewed randomly by @tomgreenlive while walking down Queen Street in Toronto.
I hope to return the favor by inviting Tom onto my podcast, Blackballed.
Hi Tom. I consider you the original podcaster, or The Podfather, and would love to have you on. Cheers. pic.twitter.com/nGbseYvno2
— James DiFiore (@jamesdifiore) October 17, 2022
Well I’m here, Tom, tied up to the telephone poll in my mind, constantly visualizing the day where you pop up on my mentions and say those beautiful words I’ve been longing to hear: “Jesus you dumb fuck, fine I’ll do your crappy podcast. Just promise me you will shut the fuck up already.”
(wipes away tear)
I’ll wait. I’ll fucking wait forever.
Because you are Tom Green….and I love you.
Tom, you there?