The following is intended as satire.
Dear Canada, #GetVaccinated You AntiVaxxer, Anti-Science, Conspiracy Theorists!
Pardon Me. Let’s try that again. What if I put it to you like this?
Everyone wants to be a hero, but most are too lazy to put in the work. Do you or someone you know want to be a hero but lack the courage and discipline to fight wars, run full steam into burning buildings, perform advanced medical procedures in the ER, or put your life on the line in the face of violent criminals? Do you lack the resources or opportunity to dedicate a significant portion of your life to caring for the sick, injured, vulnerable, or down-trodden? If you’ve only got the time to virtue signal on social media about the latest trending cause and not the time or the energy required to put rubber to road and actually make a difference FEAR NOT! Big Pharma, The WHO and governments across the world have solution for you.
#GetVaccinated is the path of least resistance to heroism. All you have to do to achieve hero status is:
- Fill out an online application
- Stand in a line
- Roll up your sleeve
If you go get poked right now, we’ll throw in a gold star, a cookie, a lolly, free weed, a lottery ticket, cheaper concert tickets than the “unclean,” and I’m assuming in time – vacation packages. Best of all, you can sit beside your friend at the Blue Jays game instead of spread out like you would if you were a fan in the early 2000’s. You get all of this when you receive your badge that’s sort of like a snapchat filter/sticker emoji that you use to take photos of yourself that no one but your mom wants to see. Most importantly, you are now “doing your part” in our collective fight against covid-19 and the SARS-COV-2 virus.
Once you’ve determined yourself to be photoshoot fresh enough to post online, you can return to normal life as you knew it pre-pandemic. Here’s a comprehensive list of freedoms that we took away from you, but will now return as a gesture of good will inspired by your obedience:
- You can now purchase the cookware that you weren’t previously permitted, in the aisle next to the food that you were allowed to purchase, in order to cook said food.
- You can stop wearing the cloth masks, which you were told early into the pandemic were useless for this particular virus, until you started grabbing up all of the N95’s, then we determined that the cloth masks were useful, and now everyone wants to act surprised at my e-mail about masks.
*I get that I lied about evidence for the lab leak hypothesis. But the NIH funded the Gain of Function research that got us into this mess, thus implicating the US along with China in the creation of this pandemic. What would you have me do? Be upfront about my personal financial stake in vaccines sales too? Can a young man get money anymore? Sometimes you gotta move stealthy to get wealthy. Don’t hate the playa hate the game.
- You can go back to your favorite restaurant providing they are still in business.
- You can go get your haircut if you haven’t figured it out yourself at home already.
- You can have as many family and friends as you want over for a BBQ.
- You can go on vacation and travel anywhere you want to.
- You can add “vaxxed” to your pronouns in your Tindr bio so that you can go back to dining in the cabooses of the train of random’s you ride while riding the rails, face-planting in tails. I bet you didn’t know I was a hip hop head.
- You can reopen your small business and start earning income again without limitations.
Now that you’re fully-vaxxed you cannot get the SARS-COV-2 virus anymore…well if you do you certainly won’t pass it to your nana…and if you do she won’t die from it…sort of…
Focus on the positives – if you get it your odds of those things I mentioned decreases significantly. If you do become infected your symptoms will be much milder than if you weren’t vaccinated, unless of course you’re asymptomatic, or someone with natural immunity, or someone with antibodies coming out the yin yang because you were infected and survived. If you are any of these things we’re still going to force you to get the shot by mandating vaccine passports.
Look, the lockdowns and the anxiety generated by the smut masters of fear porn in the mainstream media have been hard on us all. We here at the NIH, CDC, WHO, Bohemian Grove understand your hysteria, which is exhibited in your sudden eagerness to clamor for unprecedented measures of discrimination against your brothers and sisters who value their right to informed consent. We agree with you, that vaccine passports are fundamentally ‘proof of obedience’ passes that society needs to proceed with moving forward, so that those of you who got vaccinated don’t have to be afraid that the couple sitting 3 tables down from you are part of the Clan of the Unclean; thus, a direct threat to your existence. You conspiracy theorists love to talk about sheep, well the fact is, that sheep get fed, wolves have to hunt to survive, what are we supposed to start feeding wolves now? Please, we need a society for wolves and a society for sheep – two tiers. Besides it’s just a way for us to identify you as “clean & obedient,” which are positives, it’s not like we’re tattooing barcodes on people. After all, we live in a digital age, how primitive would that be?
I know that this “heroism” sales pitch doesn’t apply to all of you. Some of you didn’t line up for the jab for this reason, rather, you did it due to social pressure from your spouses, baby mama’s/baby daddy’s who used this issue to hold visitation rights over your heads. Probably from your parents, your kids (who are educated on the matter because they’re on TikTok instead of in school), friends groups, employers, the “experts” on the mainstream news networks (you know the $cientists who say the right things so as to not compromise their research grants) etc. Many of you took it because you are hopeful as am I that these vaccines are the answer…I mean THEY ARE THEY ARE THE ANSWER! Regardless, as per your conditioning, we encourage all of you to continue to egregiously lump together those who are anti-vax, with those who are merely pragmatists about this novel gene therapy with zero long-term studies by corporations with extremely checkered pasts. It’s best to ignore all of the lawsuits Pfizer has faced as well as the fact that J&J couldn’t even get Talcum Powder right. Pay no mind to the fact that Moderna has no reputation or that AstraZeneca’s got more bloodclots than a Shabba Ranks album. We also suggest that you continue to make the private, personal health decisions of your neighbours your business in the interest of “public health” and “the greater good.” I promise you at the very least it will help my portfolio. Furthermore, any skepticism about all of the red flags surrounding this pandemic should be dismissed as “conspiracy theory.” Red flags such as:
- The lies, censorship, and aggressive promotion of the zoonotic origin narrative over the quickly dismissed “conspiracy theory” about the lab leak.
- The Emergency Use Approval (EUA) instead of FDA approval so that the drug manufacturers & governments cannot be held accountable if this experiment goes sideways. Did I say experiment? I mean solution for your return to normal. EUA for the vaccines requires that there be no other possible treatments already available, such as Ivermectin; which has erroneously been neglected from further study despite the promise it shows in being both preventative as well as a cure for Covid-19. But if we acknowledge this, we don’t get Emergency Use Approval for these new vaccines, and we’ve invested a lot of money and are eagerly awaiting our return on investment. Affordable, already existing drugs with long-term studies for use in humans doesn’t help our bottom line.
- The futility of the RT-PCR test in identifying infection and its continued use.
"More than half of individuals with positive PCR test results are unlikely to have been infectious"…
New research from the Journal of Infection confirms what many of us already knew: Mass PCR testing of asymptomatics grossly exaggerated the COVID threat.🔻 pic.twitter.com/IF8osMf2zq
— Kyle Becker (@kylenabecker) June 18, 2021
By the way, no questions about Mullis’ death although it happened just before the pandemic started. Just another convenient coincidence.
- The mainstream media’s deceptive reporting practices in regards to percentages of cases, deaths, positivity rates, recovery rates, and adverse effects. (Please understand that they are only operating within their business model of selling fear for viewership to acquire ad revenue). “If it bleeds it leads” – CNN Director Charles Chester.
- The lockdowns that restricted your freedom to move about your community while tens of thousands of people were free to continue flying into your city.
- The 2017 SPARS simulation being virtually identical with this pandemic.
They nailed the prediction, nothing to see here.
- The smearing and censorship of medical experts and scientists who oppose the mainstream, establishment narrative under the ironic ‘guise of “misinformation.” Institutional supremacy, or $cience over science.
- The connection between those who stand to financially benefit from the annual sale of vaccines to nation states, with gain of function research (think about the Gates model of creating MSDOS, then creating software viruses, then Anti-virus software). Essentially, create a problem, create a solution, get rich.
We appreciate your continued support in enabling us to do what we do even though it is frequently nonsensical, curiously authoritarian, possibly nefarious, and obviously a grift. Please enjoy yourselves outside in the sun where you are safe from Covid19, until the next variant which survives in the sun gains traction and sends us into a 4th wave; or the need to reduce carbon emissions leads us to lockdown again.