“Cuffing’ sounds like a sex move but it isn’t. Well, not at first but it’s on the table.
Single people (me) who hate being alone for long periods of time (not me) are starting to shit their anxiety-laden jogging pants at the possibility of being on lockdown alone for weeks. ‘Pussies’ or ‘Horny People’ in other words.
Now that Labor Day has come and gone, New Yorkers are desperately seeking someone — anyone — to Netflix and chill with.“I’m getting anxious thinking, ‘Winter is coming and you’re still single,’ ” Ryan Higgins, 29, a former hospitality worker who’s about to start graduate school, told The Post.
Once the pandemic hit, Higgins’ roommate moved out of their Astoria apartment.
“I was alone for two months straight,” he said, noting he initially enjoyed the ‘me’ time, “but this is no longer cute.” Now, Higgins is eager to find a COVID cling.
What. Ever. This ‘cuffing’ thing is for people who haven’t figured out who they are and how to be comfortable in their own skin yet, so they want to destroy the life of a complete stranger so they don’t have to live their shit lives by themselves OR they’re just looking to get laid. That’s my take and it’s psychologically and emotionally factual so eat it.
The girl who gets to spend cuffing season with her is lucky.
I’m the girl 🥰🤯🤤 pic.twitter.com/NP9tKS1lTT
— Victoria H-F (@victoriahf3) September 13, 2020
Accepting bae applications for cuffing season. Must be an alpha male. Must have games on your phone for the bad ass kids I come with. *Fruit snack supply a bonus*. No skinny niggaz it’s getting ready to be cold this not y’all season. Must eat ass. No scorpios. Inquire below 😂💋 pic.twitter.com/U5VuuKv1ev
— Kira J (@IamKiraJ) September 13, 2020
The unwritten rules of ‘cuffing’ are simple: you create a profile on the dating service of your choice stating your cuffing desire:
‘Looking for someone to spend a few pandemic weeks or months to watch TV, play board games, walk awkwardly past each other in the morning wondering when that person is going to leave. We can eat meals together in silence before we spend a few hours ignoring each other while texting real human beings who don’t need constant companionship. At night’s end, If we’re not too disgusted with each other, we can have consensual sex at your convenience. Smokers, Alcoholics, Herpes need not apply unless it’s just mouth herpes. Then I’m good. But not Katie Holmes mouth herpes because that’s way to gross’
MMMM. Sounds terrific.
The alternative to Cuffing? Being a fucking normal human being who takes time to come to grips with your character flaws during the lockdown. Maybe invest in some online therapy or join a virtual step group to work through why wifi, cable TV, work, or taking time to make you a better human being aren’t good enough. That’s the best part of this global travesty, it’s giving you the chance to figure you out so fucking do it.
Prior to the first wave of the Pandemic, I was unhappily attached and realized the only way I was going to experience any growth was to invest time into things that made me a happier better person. Work, kids, work, meditation, work, friends, work. That’s where I found my security and the thought of bringing someone into a life and home 100% right now in my control gives me fucking gut rot for 500 different reasons.
So, before you go cuffing, ask yourself one simple question: ‘Do I feel like doubling my anxiety during a global pandemic’?
If you answered yes, you need to masturbate more and get some counseling. If you answered no, and you’re mentally fit enough to eat frozen pizza on your own without crying, enjoy the fall solitude and invest in yourself instead of a new roommate looking to trade blow jobs for a place to live.