Full disclosure – I look at wiping like it’s a chore, but I’m also slightly OCD and have suffered “wiping trauma” The Butt Doctor is warning against:
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Source: Queensland-based colorectal surgeon Dr Bradley Morris – better known to his 13.2k Instagram followers by the aforementioned moniker – talked all things number two’s in an interview with news.com.au’s podcast, I’ve Got News For You. “Most of the problems I see with the skin around the anus are due to excess attempts at hygiene, and it’s very rarely due to inadequate hygiene. It’s a very sensitive area,” Dr Morris told host Andrew Bucklow, answering one listener’s question about whether it’s “dangerous” to wipe too hard. “I don’t understand why we use toilet paper to wipe. If you imagine soiling your face or something else where you wouldn’t smear it off with toilet paper. “So I think we need to readdress culturally what we do, and maybe look at bidets, and using water to wash, that excess wiping can traumatise the skin.” Dr Morris explained that if you do find yourself “spending a long time” wiping, “there might be a reason for it”.
Shitting is ironic. There might not be a better feeling followed by a more time-consuming chore. Like cleaning up after Christmas dinner, and it smells like shit.
Depending on your diet, you might be out after one wipe, or you’ll be there forever trying to figure out if you’re leaking like a broken soft serve ice cream machine.
I’ve practiced good butt health for years as a hobby.
My grandmother died when I was 8, and I still remember my father’s words as we sat in the church pew after asking why ‘Nanny’ died.
“She didn’t eat brown bread.”
It was Jimmy’s way of saying her diet didn’t include fiber, and she died of colon cancer. It’s no joke, and it scared me. Since then, I’ve done something called “eat to poop.” It works and makes wiping a BREEZE.
Every meal includes something fibrous or friendly to my hung piece. Laugh ALL you like – I’m the most regular person I know and just got a MASSIVE high-five from my proctologist.
That’s what “The Butt Doctor” is saying in addition to not taking a sandblaster to your asshole. Eat well, better poops.
“It might be your stool consistency, it might be that you’ve got an element of prolapse, it might be that you’re not emptying properly,” he said. “We do aim for the ghost poo, where you wipe and there’s nothing there. And that indicates that there’s a well-formed stool that’s passed intact and in its entirety. And then a couple of wipes after that is probably okay.”
Ghost shits. The turd equivalent of finding $20 on the ground when you leave the house. Dabbing nothingness after dropping ass is a gift from the shit gods, and it’s HEALTHY.
You know the feeling.
There’s nothing worse than a NEVER ENDER where you think you’re in the clear only to keep seeing evidence of your work.
Proper shit hygiene has come a long way since dirty rags in outhouses, and you can do something about it.
- Include fiber with every meal, and drink a ton of water. Greasing the track is VERY important.
- Metamucil on the daily is like a workout for your bunghole. It also helps reduce cholesterol and grabs all the leftovers on the way out. You’re welcome.
- I’ve been complimented on my “wipe inventory” by people lucky enough to drop a deuce at my house. Hemorrhoids from straining and excessive wiping got you down? Prep H makes wipes now. So do Cottonelle, and “DUDE WIPES” are fun. Cottonelle’s are a must.
- Oatmeal, Oatmeal, Oatmeal.
Be friendly to your anus. Listen to the Butt Doctor.
PS: Charmin Ultra soft followed by Cottonelle biodegradables.