TORONTO (AP)
In what insiders are calling an ‘absolute fucking hilarious last-ditch effort to retain the one remaining fraying violin string of relevance and popularity,’ Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne has offered to pay all of Omar Khadr’s hydro bills as well as up to ten of his friends or people he has made eye contact on the street with.
The move comes a week after Prime Minister Justin Trudeau offered to give Mr. Khadr $10.5 million dollars, an autographed 8×10 of Chris Hadfield, and a night with Pamela Anderson.
“What Mr. Khadr has been through has shamed us all as Canadians. And like the Prime Minister, I can confidently and unequivocally speak on behalf of all aforementioned Canadians, wholeheartedly” said the Premier. “And I can’t think of a more appropriate gesture than to at the very least, cover this man’s hydro bills on a monthly basis, because as Ontarians we all know the burden of having to choose between clothing and feeding ourselves, or having power. And who wants to go through that?”
When asked by a reporter on what he thought of Wynne’s offer, a visibly amused Khadr said he didn’t have time to talk as MP Ralph Goodale was picking him up to go for ice cream and balloons.
(ed note: SATIRE)
