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What I Would Rather Do Than Fight Aaron Judge

He throws harder than me. He hits the ball further than me. He runs faster than me. He’s taller than me… well fuck, he’s taller than all of us. The ‘Gentle Giant’ is probably nicer than me, but what if the big guy snapped?

I am going to guess he would basically turn into the love child of Shrek and Mike Tyson. Admit it, there is a slight resemblance there. But honestly, could you imagine being dumb enough to chirp this guy? Chirp him so bad that the dude loses his shit and wants to take your head off any means necessary? What if he called you out in front of all your buddies?

Swallow your pride? Or, swallow his fist?

Pride – see ya!

There is no fucking way I am stepping in the ring, the octagon, or any parking lot in the Bronx with this guy. Can you blame me?

CBS Sports

Let’s take a peek at the tale of the tape:

Aaron Judge, 6’7’, 282 pounds, reach is a mile, and the agility of a cheetah.

Shane Seney, 5’8’and one-half inch, 205 pounds, t-rex arms and a proud owner of a ‘Phil-Bod’.

Phil-Bod vs Fitness Magazine. A 25-year old professional athlete in the best shape of his life vs a 31-year old, one-time semi recruited baseball prospect who is allergic to the gym. I may not be in shape, but I do consider myself intelligent, so I am avoiding this fight at all costs.

But, what if I had no choice? What if I had to convince him to save his energy for winning the MVP and let me embarrass myself instead of taking the beat down.

What would I rather do than fight Aaron Judge?

  1. I would rather swallow a pint glass of wasabi… this would lead to a lot of tears and my legs would fall asleep while ‘I’m just shaving’.
  2. I would rather battle Eminem on live TV… at least the hot fire would be coming out my mouth.
  3. I would rather run with the bulls or go ass over tea kettle down the hill for the giant cheese… I never see anyone 6’7’ in those videos.
  4. I would rather try and play catch with 50 Cent, that shit looks hard.
  5. I would rather eat a green pepper, an onion, drink 3 raw eggs, puke them out, and cook an omelette. Of course, I would have to sprinkle a little marble cheese as the finishing touch before I ate it… the grossest part is I know a guy who completed this task, so hey, its do-able.
  6. I would rather fight DJ Khaled… I feel like I could bob and weave the big guy, and every time I tagged him with a good one, yell “Another One!”
  7. I would rather invest my life savings in Blockbuster… heading to ‘rent’ a movie used to be a thing.
  8. I would rather have an ear infection for a year… could you imagine.

Ok, fuck this, Aaron Judge I am coming for you. When you hear the “Allow me to reintroduce myself” before the beat drops, you know this public service announcement is the real deal. Who am I kidding, the only ‘real deal’ connection I have is that I may try to bite your ear off if you try and attack me.

Although I know deep down that you really give zero fucks about what I would rather do than fight you.

You don’t have a bad bone in your body, and lets be real here, neither of us are fighters. It would be nothing but love, and we would probably talk baseball the entire time.

Zero fucks given. Zero fights taken.

 

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