Source – Albert Pujols (yes, pronounced poo-holes) joined the 600 Home Run Club in grand fashion on Saturday night. Pujols becomes the 9th person drive 600 long balls in the big leagues, joining Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, Alex Rodriguez, Willie Mays, Ken Griffey Jr., Jim Thome, and Sammy Sosa. In the recent edition of his always-great weekend recaps, ESPN writer David Schoenfield pointed out that more people have walked on the moon (12) than have hit 600 home runs (9). How fuckin cool is that? You would think the Moonwalkers Club would be damn near as exclusive as it gets. This got me thinking… what other clubs out there does the 600 Home Run Club have fewer members than? Below you will find a top 5 list that is equally surprising.
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The Taylor Swift Club
More people have had the pleasure of playing naked Twister with T-Swift than have hit 600 home runs. This list is unconfirmed, but by my estimation should be a lock for at least 10, the bulk of which were probably needed as inspirational fucks to complete the last album alone. Personally, this is the club I most want to belong to and find the most prestigious.
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The EGOT Club
This club is for those individuals recognized for having won the grand slam of American show biz, taking home the Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony awards. Beloved goofball Mel Brooks aside, there are currently 11 other members and not really anything funny to say about the rest of them… but there could have been. In an alternate universe, this club includes Trey Parker and Matt Stone after they won the Oscar for “Blame Canada” from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut in 1999. However, instead of making headlines for taking home a little golden man and becoming enshrined as Gods of entertainment, Trey and Matt famously made the wrong headlines for attending the black tie event in dresses and on acid, while Phil Collins won for his shit in Tarzan. Eat a dick, Phil Collins.
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The Duggar Club
One family. 19 kids. What a fucking nightmare. That poor woman has been pregnant for almost the majority of her life. Jim-Bob treated Michelle’s uterus like a literal baby factory, churning them out longer than the Model-T Ford’s. The second set of twins (kids 10 and 11) probably raced out of her vag side-by-side. The first kid came out the same year a black Michael Jackson dropped Bad (1988) while the last one was born the same year a white Michael Jackson died (2009).
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The Hockey Triple Gold Club
The pinnacle of hockey excellence entails winning the Stanley Cup, an Olympic gold medal, and the IIHF World Championship gold medal. While this club holds 27 members, it is actually a lot harder to get into than it sounds. This is because of the cluster fuck that was (and looks like will continue to be) NHL player participation in international tournaments throughout most of hockey’s history, with players only joining the Olympics in 1998 and World Championships in 1977. With slimebag Bettman not sending any pros to 2018 PyeongChang and potentially beyond, this will maintain rare company for hockey royalty.
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The 50 Cent Bullet Club
That’s right, more bullets have hit 50 Cent’s body than people have hit 600 home runs in the bigs. How this motherfucker didn’t die is astounding to me, especially considering 9 shots came at once, from close range. I picture Fiddy just regenerating skin cells a la Wolverine and smiling menacingly afterward, which would be scary as shit with that mouth of chicklets. On another note – how does this guy not spend half a day going through airport security each time he tries to fly? That asshole probably breezes through security with priors and what is assumed to be 10% of his body made of lead while poor suckers like me are here taking our shoes and belts off like peasants.
