Hot on the heels of Kyrie Irving’s request to be traded from the Cavaliers, the City of Cleveland has itself declared that it will also be seeking a new home come this fall.
In what some experts are seeing as a pre-emptive manoeuver to beat an eventual Lebron James departure which would eliminate what little reason to live Clevelanders have, Cleveland, Ohio has already begun soliciting other states and sending resume packages to various Governors.
“Look, let’s not beat around the bush here” said a visibly exhausted Cleveland Mayor Frank Jackson, “I think we could all use a fresh slate, a do-over if you will” pausing to loosen his novelty Chief Wahoo tie.
Cleveland, known best for a cityscape resembling Pyongyang in January, and its weekly appearances on A&E’s the First 48 has been rumoured to have been unhappy with it’s situation for quite sometime.
“We have 6, maaaaaybe 7 blocks in the core that are traversable during daylight. After nightfall, it’s really a crapshoot,” noted Mayor Jackson. “Have you seen the Purge? Well, add like, 100 more homicides and a tire fire that just can’t be extinguished no matter how much river water we dump on it. You know sometimes you just want to go to bed knowing that the city won’t have cannibalized itself by sunrise” sighed Jackson. “And that’s really what we’re hoping this move will bring…the promise of not being murdered in my sleep by a copper scavenger.”
When asked by reporters of particular destinations Cleveland had in mind, Mayor Jackson intimated that he was open to offers.
“Anywhere man. Anywhere other than here. Christ, Tulsa? Buffalo? Do you know anyone in East St. Louis?”
Insiders say the possible move by Cleveland is expected to set a precedent, possibly setting the table for similar requests from other decaying cities like Baltimore, Detroit, West and South Chicago, Most of Los Angeles, New Orleans and Rochester, New York.
As of Press time, Cleveland was seen being dragged out of its car at a stoplight and set ablaze.
