Nestled high atop the Scarborough bluffs and towering over the shoreline of Lake Ontario, sits a quaint and extremely paradoxical slice of heaven called Scarborough.
It is home to the Toronto Zoo, Glen Rouge National Urban Park, and birthplace of The Weeknd, Mike Myers, Paul Bernardo, and some other dudes in the Northern Touch video by the Rascalz.
Sure, Scarborough has garnered a reputation as a bombed-out wasteland populated by the proudly deprived and depraved alike.
And ya, maybe you can’t have a BBQ without 25 people getting shot.
But we’re not here to talk about the hookers and johns that I have to shoo off my lawn at night, I’m here to remind you that whether you like it or not, all of your favourite NHL’ers are from Scarborough.
Yes, all of them.
First off,
Bryan Marchment.
Fuck ME could this guy ever ruin a night. Tough as a steak my dad would cook, and dirtier than a construction site port-o-shitter, Bryan Marchment terrorized the league for a decade. I remember watching him lay out Donald Brashear, and it was like hearing ‘One’ by Metallica for the first time.
Chris and Anthony Stewart.
Growing up, these guys lived in a squalid, zombie-infested motel called the East Side. It is at the end of my street. It is a not a place where you want to spend more than 2 minutes of your time let alone reside there. But these guys did, and embodied the struggle that so many people in Scarborough face. Now they’re wrecking shit in the show, and they’re mean, short-tempered, and can pot a few when needed. Certified beauties.
Wayne ‘Wayner’ Simmonds
Big, mean, and kinda ugly, Wayne Simmonds can score 30 goals while rearranging your bridgework for you on the next shift. Much like the Stewart boys, Wayne endured similar struggles while growing up in Scarborough, only to persevere and move forward.
Mike Ricci
Easily the ugliest man to ever lace em’ up. Like, ever. Not even close. This guy’s face had more scars than the nose of a great white shark. He holds the record for most mirrors broken in life.
But he could fight, score, and hit. Not everyone in Scarborough is a dime, and Mike Ricci is here to remind us of that.
Wayne Primeau
If there’s two things people in Scarborough love to do, it’s fight, and name their kid Wayne. It’s just the way she goes. Wayne Primeau loved to fight so much, that he fought his brother Keith on the ice. Good enough to make the list in my eyes. I actually don’t even know if Wayne Primeau ever scored a goal.
Joel Ward
Probably the greatest smile in the league. Try not to get lost in those pearly whites while watching him celebrate a goal. Wardo has had a knack over the last decade or so of coming up absolutely clutch in the playoffs. I don’t know him, but I’m going to go ahead and assume that he’s the nicest guy you’ll ever meet, and that’s including my neighbour Fred who is super nice.
Rick Fuckin’ Tocchet.
This guy, man. Over 400 goals and 3000 PIMS in his career. Easily the most unstable guy on the ice for every shift, and could switch from hard to soft hands in a heartbeat. Just a mean sonofabitch with a jaw that could only be broken by a tactical nuclear strike with an ICBM. This guy could still fuck anyone up at the Lawrence and Kingston Rd McDonalds at 3am. (ed note: People tend to acquire holes in their body there).
Anson Carter
My man. Wexford Raider alumni and proud owner of a gold medal of which he scored the winning overtime goal. Anson Carter could barely fit his bucket over his dreadlocks, but he always looked good doing it.
Trevor Daley
Great character guy. Could chuck the knucks, throw the body, and was decent enough to bring the cup to Scarberia after winning it with the Pens. He probably smells great, and I’m guessing has a large stable of women at his beck and call, IF he’s not already married or spoken for.
Honourable mention:
Kris Draper.
Hesitant to mention Kris, as he bled on the ice a bit too much for me. He also kind of looks like a dude who just got out of prison, and doesn’t really know what do to, so he just stands there half-smiling and trying to stay out of everyone’s way.
And finally,
Tyler Toffoli.
Fight a guy or something, man.
Then we’ll see about adding you to the list. You currently look like you’re from a Minnesota Prep school – not sure which part of Scarborough did that to you.
