Do you know who I hate more than people who create mock drafts for every sport? The answer is myself, for reading said mock drafts for every sport. With this past weekend’s NHL draft lottery yielding surprising results, and the NFL draft taking place, I am officially mock drafted out. Why do sports fans read/watch this garbage? To quote the great Bill Burr, “that’s like going to a graduation ceremony where you don’t know anybody who’s graduating and just fucking sitting there… They’re gonna have the whole list the next day. They’ll have everybody who drafted who, when… fuckin’ gotta sit there and watch that shit?”***SOURCE: THE SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY COMEDY SPECIAL*** And good ol’ Bill is just ripping on the people that spend hours actually watching the draft, let alone obsessing about it for months before. Christ, I even spent the better part of an hour of my workday last Friday doing an NHL lottery simulator, which took the odds each team had of winning the draft lottery and allowed you to play God with the click of a button. I did this 50 – I repeat, 50! – times while running through scenarios in my head based on the latest results, and recording who came 1st, 2nd, and 3rd the most often. Not that it matters now, but in case you were interested, the answer to that was Vegas. And no, I did not once yield the Devils, Flyers, Stars order that ended up winning. Go to any major sports site and they will have multiple articles on the upcoming draft: mock drafts, player profiles, unrealistic comparisons of 18-year-olds to established stars (Owen Tippet is the next Phil Kessel!), etc. It is obvious that no one can predict the wildness of draft day (except the almighty Kevin Costner) and this is just wasted time for us mere mortals who consume this garbage like nerds and fan fiction. I mean I don’t believe anyone has ever nailed a mock draft exactly right (if so, prove it). Hell, I’d be impressed if a so-called “expert” has recorded the correct top 10 picks in the last 10 years.
To build on this ridiculousness even further, sometimes my friends (equally blindly allegiant sports fans) will hurl hypothetical grenades into our group chat and watch phones blow up with hot takes that would make Stephen A. Smith cringe. Could you imagine how different the playoffs happening right now would look with the Buffalo Sabers unleashing Connor McDavid and Aaron Ekblad out there? Buffalo finished last back-to-back years when impact, ready-made, 18-year-old all-stars were sitting pretty, and didn’t lock down #1 either year. I wish I could say that is the worst consecutive sports-related loss that could happen, but I reckon living through 4 straight Super Bowl losses definitely ranks higher. From when the draft lottery was implemented in 1995 up until the NHL changed the system in 2012, 9 out of 17 picks remained in the top spot after finishing last overall in the standings. Since the 2012 reform, the last place team has only held onto the #1 pick once out of 6 tries, that being the Toronto Maple Leafs’ last season with Auston Matthews, proving that there is in fact, a God (and he hates Buffalo). I mean do you, kind readers, realize the impact that the draft lottery has had in the NHL? Since 2000, only the 2000/2001 Colorado Avalanche and the 2007/2008 Detroit Red Wings have hoisted Lord Stanley’s Cup without a #1 or #2 overall pick on their rosters. That is 14/16 champions. 87.5%. And this year is shaping up to be more of the same, with only the Predators and Ducks lacking a former top two selection on the roster.
So again I’ll ask – why do we do this? I like to think of myself as a rational, intelligent person. But by definition sports fandom is totally irrational. You hear stories of people wearing “lucky underwear” or implementing little ticks before occurrences in the game, somehow thinking by doing this it satisfies the sports gods and impacts the game directly. I read text message exchange between husband and wife that recently went viral online. To set the stage, a lovingly doting wife left the room to fetch her Neanderthal husband a fresh beer during the hockey game, only to receive a text message from her husband saying that their team scored when she left the room. While this may seem a joyous occasion, it was followed by a message informing her that now she must stay outside of said room until something else happens, lest she jinx the game. It is 2017, and there are employed, educated, taxpaying, voting eligible citizens who will not let their wives enter the room because a hockey team scored 100 miles away. Yet, I’d have done the same damn thing! Because to us idiots it does matter, and there is no reasonable explanation for it. I will therefore stupidly continue to read updated mock drafts in the coming months the same way I continue to drunk text my ex-girlfriend – with a vast imagination, hope, and a seething self-loathing.
