If you’re an idiot like me and tuned into Discovery Channel last night to watch a human being race a Great White shark, then you deserve all of the lemons life has and will continue to throw your way until you die alone or in a bus fire. Michael Phelps, reportedly an American with many Olympic gold medals who still looks like a 13 year-old boy trapped in Dwight Howard’s body; predictably did not fare well against his competitor who was at last check – A FUCKING GREAT WHITE SHARK.
This was terrible TV at it’s finest. Phelps was not in the same pool as the shark. He was never going to be.
But you really didn’t know that until you were 50 minutes into the goddam train wreck of a show. By the way this was advertised, we were expecting Phelps to be swimming next to the shark in a pool on some lawless Baltic island, eventually being torn apart and consumed on national television. Alas, it did not go down like that and I feel stupid for buying a fucking crate of Discovery’s sexy bottle of snake oil.
In their defense, Discovery Channel did one hell of a job hyping the ever-loving shit out of this garbage fire, recognizing that they had something very terrible on their hands that needed promotion. (See: Mayweather vs McGregor.)
In my defense for having watched this smouldering bag of dogshit, the remote was too far away and the Pepsi I drank an hour earlier was preventing me from sleeping. But when I did fall asleep, I dreamt peacefully and wistfully of a half-eaten Michael Phelps, slowly sinking down into the inescapable blackness of a gaping, razor-toothed maw.
I am really looking forward to Discovery’s next venture where Usain Bolt is placed into a pen with 4 cheetahs and has 9.58 seconds to escape.