You know how to tell when spring is truly in the air? My barometer is how much Blue Jays gear I see out and about the city. As spring training winds down and the regular season looms, the faithful and fair-weather fans alike dust off the home whites, road greys, and alternate blues in proud announcement of their fandom to all who walk among them.
I, like any other hard-working, tax-paying, superficial prick, thoroughly enjoy judging people by things like attractiveness, hygiene, and fashion sense (don’t lie, you do it too – just fuckin’ own it and keep reading). I particularly enjoy this time of year because I believe that the fan merchandise that people choose to dress their ass in provides fantastic insight into who they are as a person. This exercise lets imagination run farther than my asthmatic body ever could. So, I sit wide-eyed and swivel-headed on the subway, absorbing all the possibilities.
The RA Dickey
Let me start by saying that I love this person. They buy in, hard, and often to their downfall. They are the friend who will spontaneously go to Vegas with you, the friend who will invest in your shitty business idea, and the friend that finds having the word DICK on their back hilarious. They often make these decisions without fully understanding the big picture. “We traded for the reigning NL Cy Young winner AND his name has DICK in it!? SOLD!”, followed by, “Wait… he’s forty years old and throws a knuckleball? Fuck… At least his name still has DICK in it.” For those counting at home, that was the fifth DICK in the last 100 words, good for 5% of this paragraph – or the return on investment the Blue Jays yielded for Syndergaard et al.
The Josh Donaldson
My first reaction to seeing the Donaldson is to look at the individual as a whole before making any rash decisions. The Donaldson is like the all-too-convenient mask at a masquerade ball. Is this chick I’m wheeling really hot and surprisingly cool? Or is this chick a dude? The guy is still relatively new to the Blue Birds, and his run as a player with a charismatic personality who appeared on the hit show Vikings, who also happened to have an immediate impact on the field, coincides perfectly with when the bandwagon pulled into Union Station. The guy won an MVP though, so he gets a pass. You can get a better idea of who the wearer of the Donaldson is by looking at the rest of their ensemble. My personal favourite is the Donaldson, with black jeans with holes in the knees, a pair of Sam Smith Adidas sneakers, and a backwards hat that is supposed to look vintage but is clearly from Urban Outfitters. This attire belongs to the Fuckboi du jour. These are insecure, mindless beings who have no soul, or clue about the Blue Jays.
The Jose Bautista
Like the Donaldson, but older and more seasoned. To twist my last metaphor of the masquerade ball, the Bautista is like a chick in the Victorian era 1800s. Why is there a birdcage underneath your dress? Did I really just get an erection from an ankle? Bautista has been around a long time, and is the face of the Blue Jays of the 2010s. We are all guilty of hopping on the Jose Bautista train, whether it was after the 54 home runs of the Usher days (Oh-Oh My God) or the more recent bat-flip hysteria. Jose’s hype is real and justified, and is probably the safest jersey one could own. Shout outs though for a BAUTISTA 23. These people are not to be trifled with, and they know their shit.
The Edwin Encarnacion
This jersey is for the type of person that likes to buck the trend, but without going full rogue. They are the friend that will hit the LCBO and spend 15 minutes picking out different craft beers while you’ve been waiting by the door with your 6 pack o’ Molson’s. They see the sea of Donaldsons and Bautistas and decide they want to swim against the stream, but not hop out of the river altogether. Edwin was as steady as they come over the last several seasons, and was a fun (if frustrating) player for the Jays when he was known more as E5 than for The Parrot. Owners will like to point out that Edwin was underrated because Bautista stole the spotlight. And they may be right. But he’s also gone now, so just like the Lennon vs McCartney debate, live and let die.
The Munenori Kawasaki
This lovable goofball is on the joke. He certainly wasn’t a superstar, but how could you not love that lovable lil weirdo? I’ll also bet that if this person shelled out top dollar for a Kawasaki jersey, they also have John McDonald and Matt Stairs jerseys hanging in their closets. These players make the game fun for their sometimes unexpected excellence and their spirit. They bring the community together, just like Vince Vaughn in any comedy ever.
The Kevin Pillar
Superman is one of the most exciting players to watch on the Blue Jays. He is also one of the most attractive. Thus he has been doomed to the designated chick jersey. This is a great thing, as he provides a great reason to pay attention to every play when this team isn’t hitting. This is also a very good thing for Pillar, as he is taking the torch from Brett Lawrie, JP Arencibia, Alex Rios, Orlando Hudson, Shawn Green, Kelly Gruber, Pat Borders etc. (cut me some slack, I’m 26) that are still memorable for Blue Jays fans today despite (in some cases) less than stellar careers.
The Troy Tulowitzki and Russell Martin
These people take the game seriously, sometimes to their own detriment. They have a subconscious desire to turn their nose up at other fans, and act like they know what they’re talking about. But it’s because they do. Tulo, Martin, and Pillar are the backbone of this team up the middle in the premium defensive positions. If you are looking for team captains of the Blue Jays, these are your guys. To quote all the hokey bullshit that you hear in the papers, these guys got intangibles. Or big fuckin’ huevos. Tomato/tomatto.
This person LOVES Drake, thinks that the Fast and the Furious franchise is the tits, and litters your Instagram and Facebook feeds with gym pictures and inspirational quotes about their hustle. Because HDMH bro. HDM-fuckin’-H. They also likely have a Ricky Romero jersey hanging in the closet #RickRo4Life #AllStar11.
The I <3 BJs
This is a fan from the suburbs. Set your watch to it. They took the GO train into the city and chugged as many drinks as they could while on it. All jacked up for their night in the big shitty, they can’t believe how funny AND cheap the t-shirts selling on the corner are going for. These people are also 100% scared to death they are going to get mugged pulling out their wallets and buying a t-shirt from a sketchy guy on the corner, but, luckily, they’re drunk, so fuck it, who cares? They will tell the story to their suburban friends about the time they almost got mugged in Toronto.
The Pink Ladies
I like the colour pink. I really respect the initiatives for breast cancer awareness and support. But just as a general PSA, if you are wearing any Blue Jays gear with the colour pink in it and it is not a day for breast cancer/mother’s day, then you automatically are coming across as 15 IQ points lower – docked a further 15 points if it has any amount of glitter. Real housewives buy this march – but not the babes from OC… more like the trash from NJ. Buy some real gear, it is fitted for women and everything. I promise you will look cute.
Bonus – The General Sports Fan
If you wear your one sports jersey to a sporting event that is the entirely wrong sport and town, then you are an idiot. I have seen a jackass wear a Chicago Blackhawks, Patrick Kane jersey to a Blue Jays game in the middle of August. You are at a baseball game, not a hockey game. No Toronto team is playing a Chicago team in a rival sport. Patrick Kane is from Buffalo. No MLB team is from Buffalo. I am 99% sure it wasn’t Patrick Kane wearing his own jersey (although I am 99% sure that is a Patty Kane thing to do, hence the 1% uncertainty). You are allowed to wear plain old regular clothes. Just wear regular clothes, you jackass. Then figure out how society functions, because you need help.